So it’s been a while. A little too long, but to be honest, I can’t handle the pressure. I can’t tell people how I feel, I’ve ruined every relationship I have. My brother hates my guts, but has he never made a mistake before? My Mom hates me, for the same reason that my brother does. My stepdad.. Well, he’s Steve and I know he loves me.. but I’m a disappointment to him too.
But what’s new about that. My best friend is having a baby. I have a drug problem and I’m moving 3 hours away in a matter of days, this is my life. I hate myself most days. Well all days. And I’m so sick and fucking tired of acting like I have it all together, because I fucking don’t. I don’t have it all together. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I miss my grandma. I give up. On living. I’m tired of being tired. I’m the kind of tired that sleep can’t fix, and I give up. I can’t do this anymore.
I’ve always been one to settle. Everything has always been good enough. I always just go with whatever, and my feelings had never really mattered. I never really HAD an opinion on anything. I’ve let people walk all over me, I’ve let people take advantage of how nice I am. I pretend that I don’t care, I pretend that I’m a bitch.. but I’m tired. I’m fed up, and I’m angry. I’m angry at you because you took advantage of how nice I was and myself because I let you walk all over me, I’m angry at myself for still thinking about you all of the time. Because I can do better than you, I thought I could fix you, make you better. I loved you because I felt like you needed me, I loved you because I needed to be needed.. to not hate myself anymore. I’ve met new people since you’ve left. But none of them can ever measure up, not to you, the you I thought I knew. The you that I loved, still love. I always told myself that I’m going to find better, that maybe I’ll love someone else. But then I would dream about you, and it was so real. And I woke up, and I tried to go back to sleep just to hear your voice again.. Because I know you don’t even think about me, and that I’ll never see you again. And I hated myself for loving someone who didn’t even bother to ask how I’m doing. I did nothing wrong, it was you… and I settled for far less than I deserved.. and finally after all this time. I’ve found what I deserve, and you know what.. I’m so glad that it came to me when it did, I’ve finally realized what I needed in a guy. They say that relationships come easy when they start with a friendship, I hope they’re right. Because guess what B? He’s my bestfriend. As a bestfriend, he treats me far better than you ever did. He’s got his shit figured out, he has a future. And regardless of whether that future has anything to do with me, right now. I’m so happy, we’ve made nothing official. I don’t need that, all I need right now. Is to know, that someone cares. More than you ever did. That they’re going to be there for me, when I need them. Some security, something I never had from you. I haven’t seen him in 8 months and 4 days, and in roughly 36 days I’ll see him again for the first time, after all of his military training is finally done. I’ve been counting down to this day since the day he left, thank you B for showing me what I deserve.. Because now I know, I’ll never settle for anything ever again.
It’s me. Again, I just want you to know. I still care about you, but I’m done. I use to get lost in the fantasy that one day you’d come running back to me. Tell me you’re sorry for what you did, that you love me.. and that I’m enough for you.. That you’re never going to leave ever again, but now that I think about it. I’m so glad that you did. I’m so glad that you left. I’m so glad that you didn’t come running back. Because now I know I can do this. I know for a fact I can rebuild myself and I don’t need anybody but myself. I caved over and over again, but that is because I care. I would message you or text you, but I care too much to just go my separate way and never look back. I just wanted to make sure you were okay because I know you had a lot going on, some things better left unsaid. But you’re okay. And now, I am too. No matter what happens, if you need me I’ll be there. Because I love you, not the way I use to of course. But I love you for what you did, although I should hate you for it I’m a better me, because of you. So thank you, for everything. You’ve shown me soo much and you don’t even realize it. And I might just be that crazy ex to you, well I guess technically.. I’m not even your ex, huh? So in that case.. I’m just a girl.. you use to know. Who fell head over heels for you, and got her heart broken. And I’m sorry that I never left you alone, I know I should have. I know I shouldn’t have kept calling, texting, messaging.. and I know I’m crazy because I did, and I know you probably hate me.. and only replied because you felt bad for me.. I’m sorry for everything. I’m sorry that I continued for almost 2 years now, to poke and prod my way into your life. I was holding on to something that didn’t even exist anymore, if it ever did at all. And now that I’ve finally come to reality, I’m finally done. I can finally look in the mirror and honestly say, I love you but I’m not in love with you. Now the only question is, did you EVER love me too?
So I don’t really know where this is going to go but all I know is that I’ve got a lump in my throat, and I’m on the verge of tears.. I’m not going to say “life sucks” because it doesn’t but it hasn’t exactly been going in my favor recently.. and yeah, you’re going to say whatever her life could be so much worse blahblahblah. and you’re right it could be so much fucking worse but I’m 16, I’m allowed to bitch about my life and complain about how much I hate waking up in the morning to go to a building of people that I couldn’t care less about, a building full of ignorant assholes, a building full of slutty girls that have no self respect, a building full of alcoholics, a building full of teachers that could not care less what I did with my life, a building full of people that I will never see again after next June.. I’m allowed to complain about how “lonely” I am, but I’m not lonely.. because I’m not alone. I have friends who love me, who would do anything for me.. I guess I just want somebody to be with.. because even at 16, I guess I’m just afraid.. afraid to be alone.. I guess maybe I have this unrealistic fear that nobody will ever understand me, or maybe even if somebody does, they wouldn’t want to be with me.. I’m allowed to have that fear because remember I’m 16 years old, and I’m allowed to have completely irrelevant completely ridiculous fears that make absolute no sense because, well I’m a teenager with overwhelming emotions and ridiculous over exaggerated fears.. I’m allowed to complain about how much I hate coming home to my parents that “hate” me.. I know they don’t hate me, I know that for a fact.. but I also know that they don’t understand me, to be completely honest they barely even know me.. I’m allowed to make mistakes, I’m allowed to be dramatic.. I’m allowed to be afraid, because no matter how hard I try to play it off that I don’t care about anything, I do care.. because I’m scared that my “best shot” won’t be good enough for the person that I someday “click”. And that’s the complete 100% raw un-cut truth..