It’s me. Again, I just want you to know. I still care about you, but I’m done. I use to get lost in the fantasy that one day you’d come running back to me. Tell me you’re sorry for what you did, that you love me.. and that I’m enough for you.. That you’re never going to leave ever again, but now that I think about it. I’m so glad that you did. I’m so glad that you left. I’m so glad that you didn’t come running back. Because now I know I can do this. I know for a fact I can rebuild myself and I don’t need anybody but myself. I caved over and over again, but that is because I care. I would message you or text you, but I care too much to just go my separate way and never look back. I just wanted to make sure you were okay because I know you had a lot going on, some things better left unsaid. But you’re okay. And now, I am too. No matter what happens, if you need me I’ll be there. Because I love you, not the way I use to of course. But I love you for what you did, although I should hate you for it I’m a better me, because of you. So thank you, for everything. You’ve shown me soo much and you don’t even realize it. And I might just be that crazy ex to you, well I guess technically.. I’m not even your ex, huh? So in that case.. I’m just a girl.. you use to know. Who fell head over heels for you, and got her heart broken. And I’m sorry that I never left you alone, I know I should have. I know I shouldn’t have kept calling, texting, messaging.. and I know I’m crazy because I did, and I know you probably hate me.. and only replied because you felt bad for me.. I’m sorry for everything. I’m sorry that I continued for almost 2 years now, to poke and prod my way into your life. I was holding on to something that didn’t even exist anymore, if it ever did at all. And now that I’ve finally come to reality, I’m finally done. I can finally look in the mirror and honestly say, I love you but I’m not in love with you. Now the only question is, did you EVER love me too?
So I don’t really know where this is going to go but all I know is that I’ve got a lump in my throat, and I’m on the verge of tears.. I’m not going to say “life sucks” because it doesn’t but it hasn’t exactly been going in my favor recently.. and yeah, you’re going to say whatever her life could be so much worse blahblahblah. and you’re right it could be so much fucking worse but I’m 16, I’m allowed to bitch about my life and complain about how much I hate waking up in the morning to go to a building of people that I couldn’t care less about, a building full of ignorant assholes, a building full of slutty girls that have no self respect, a building full of alcoholics, a building full of teachers that could not care less what I did with my life, a building full of people that I will never see again after next June.. I’m allowed to complain about how “lonely” I am, but I’m not lonely.. because I’m not alone. I have friends who love me, who would do anything for me.. I guess I just want somebody to be with.. because even at 16, I guess I’m just afraid.. afraid to be alone.. I guess maybe I have this unrealistic fear that nobody will ever understand me, or maybe even if somebody does, they wouldn’t want to be with me.. I’m allowed to have that fear because remember I’m 16 years old, and I’m allowed to have completely irrelevant completely ridiculous fears that make absolute no sense because, well I’m a teenager with overwhelming emotions and ridiculous over exaggerated fears.. I’m allowed to complain about how much I hate coming home to my parents that “hate” me.. I know they don’t hate me, I know that for a fact.. but I also know that they don’t understand me, to be completely honest they barely even know me.. I’m allowed to make mistakes, I’m allowed to be dramatic.. I’m allowed to be afraid, because no matter how hard I try to play it off that I don’t care about anything, I do care.. because I’m scared that my “best shot” won’t be good enough for the person that I someday “click”. And that’s the complete 100% raw un-cut truth..
As time goes on, I look back and I think about everything you put me through.. Was it worth it? Was any of it worth it? Was it worth it for you to put me through hell? Was it worth it to pretend that you ever gave a shit about me? I cared so much about you, I gave you everything I had. What did I get back? Nothing. Oh wait, that’s right I got to cry myself to sleep night after night. Repeating that last conversation over and over in my head, trying to figure out what I could have done differently. What I could have changed, to fix things. To make it all work out, but guess what I did NOTHING wrong, actually I did EVERYTHING right. & You’re right! It WASN’T fair to me. No guy is worth crying over, especially not you. You did nothing but hurt me. When I make an emotional commitment to someone like I did to you, I make a commitment. The day will never come that I stop caring about you, it won’t happen. I can’t look at you and tell myself that I don’t care about you. Because I do, I shouldn’t. But I do. You can’t just wake up one day and just stop caring about someone, if you can you never cared about them at all. I was honest with you, I trusted you, and I loved you. You on the other hand, you weren’t honest with me. You lied to me, a lot.. Which I didn’t find out until a short while ago. You didn’t trust me, at all, and you obviously never loved me. Which is what hurts the most.. Why say it if you never meant it? Why string me along..? Confuse me, if you didn’t love me.. you didn’t love me. It’s not worth lying over. It’s a strong set of words, a lot of meaning behind them. You don’t just throw them around.. Like they’re nothing.. & I hope that one day, if we see one another you understand if I can’t look you in those big brown eyes of yours.. because they get me every time. So this is me, getting over you. I’m done. I’ve committed too much time to someone who doesn’t give a damn about me..